Saturday, June 14, 2008

I subdued the fat broad

As I blog about lots of different things, I've decided if my blog is Weight Watcher related, I'll always have a clue in the title. That way, those not interested in that aspect of my life can easily skip it.

As the title suggests, I had a major success today. I not only subdued the fat broad, I kicked her ass and left her to die a slow, painful death. That bitch never knew what hit her. You see, she has ALWAYS been stronger than me. In my whole entire life I've never, ever, ever, fought temptation. If I was somewhere and I truly wanted something, I caved and had it. There's always tomorrow right? Life is short an I intend to enjoy every minute of it. I mean that cake won't be there tomorrow. Those M & M's won't be there tomorrow. Oh God in heaven help me not to salivate on my keyboard here and electrocute myself, but those corn dogs at the open house I went to today won't be there tomorrow either right? I might as well have it while I can. I can get back OP tomorrow.

I went to this open house today with a plan. This is the house across the street from me. I've known these people for 25 years and I want to tell you, the women in that family can cook! At the beginning of the week I just planned to save all 35 of my flexies to use today. I'm fine with that. Then, 2 days ago, I saw a truck back in with a gargantuan smoker/grill on the back. I thought ohhhhhh maybe they're going to do ribs! Oh God I love pig surrounded in fat especially if it's dipped in a sweet, heavenly BBQ sauce. The fatter & saucier the better and don't even freaking bother me with a napkin. I'll lick every bit of that nectar of the gods from my fingers. If you get too close to me, I'll suck your digits too. Oh I do adore pork fat. Sorry....I think I blacked out there for a moment, but I'm back now.

I was out getting the mail the other day and Maryann (Mom of graduate across the street, cook extraordinaire, and all around sweet lady) ran over to ask me something. I of course inquired about the grill. They were going to do chicken she said. I held my tears in check until I got back in the house. No pig???? What the frick was she thinking????? I composed myself, wiped the snot away, and grudgingly thought MAYBE this could be a good thing. I've been hungry for BBQ chicken. This could maybe be a VERY good thing. I revamped my eating plan for today. I planned to eat nothing but a chicken thigh at the open house. It would be exactly what I want, and I'd eat something else when I got home. I thought a bit more about that today, I know, more thinking. What the hell is going on here???? I thought she might have some fruit and veggies. Now, those of you that know me, know I abhor veggies and I loathe most fruits. They would be available if I needed to munch after my chicken though.

I woke up this morning at 6:30 to the heavenly smell of the smoker so have been drooling all day long. Den had to work so we were waiting until he got home to go over. He walked in the door at 4 something and I said "LET'S GO!" "LET'S GO NOW!!!" Dennis may be slow about some things, but he knows never to stand between me and food. He showered in record time and we strolled slowly across the street. OK, so we broke speed records, but I didn't want to seem too eager. I pretended that I was headed for the box to put the card in, but I really just wanted to scope out the food! I guess I went in with blinders on as I was looking for specific things and that's all I saw. Fruit? Check. Veggies? Check. BBQ Chicken? Check. Diet pop? Check. Awesome. That's when something hit me and I swear to all that is holy I don't know what. I decided to put a veg on my plate first. OK, putting a veg on my plate is huge. Doing it first is unheard of. That little piece of cauliflower sitting there gave me a feeling of power. If one tiny cruciferous floret did that, what would 2 do? With trembling hand, I reached down with the tongs and removed another floret from it's nest. I put it on my plate. Oh God I was going back again! This time I took 2 carrot sticks. Holy shit shield your women and hide the children, I was going in for a cucumber next!!!! A wedge of watermelon followed the cucumber. All of a sudden there were some strawberry slices and some grapes on my plate and it was full! What the hell is this world coming to??? I took a bit of dip, grabbed a diet pop and sat down and actually ate what was on my plate. OK folks, that wasn't the news. The news was, I LOVED IT! I finished that, did a bit of chatting and then went back to get my BBQ chicken thigh.

I left the table, stopped to visit with a few people and went back into the garage where the food was. That's when it happened. I glanced around at the rest of the spread. I'm not sure why, but that's when I saw the corn dogs. Corn dogs! At a high school graduation! Who are these people anyway??? Next to pork fat, a weenie on a stick wrapped in cornbread and deep fried is right up there on my list of favorite things. I looked around for reinforcements. There weren't any. Nobody there to help me with my plight. I broke out in a sweat and my heart started beating fast. I wanted that corn dog and I wanted it BAD and I wanted it NOW. I shut my eyes, yes I really, really did. I took a deep breath with my hands clenched at my sides. I told myself that I came in for chicken and chicken was what I was leaving that garage with. I'm pretty sure God fainted at that moment. Satan shit his pants as that's probably the first time he didn't win. I took the tongs, broke apart a chicken leg and thigh and took just the thigh and I marched back to my chair. I peeled off the skin and threw it on Den's plate so I wouldn't be tempted as of course I adore chicken skin. I started to take a bite of the chicken when I realized the enormity of what just happened. I wanted something and I didn't have it. Holy shit people this is HUGE!!! Den looked at me and asked if everything was OK. I must have looked like I was having a heart attack. I said 2 words "corn dog". He, with a look of sympathy, said "oh no". I looked at him, awe in my eyes, and I said "I didn't eat one". After I helped him up off the grass, I thoroughly enjoyed my skinless, smoked, BBQ chicken thigh.


Daphne said...

Another great post! I love healthy food. I adore all fruit and veg. That's the good bit. The bad bit is that I adore all unhealthy food too. My wide-ranging tastes give me a great opportunity to eat too much of an enormous range of different things.

Carlos said...

that's what I'm screaming, debby! way to kick the shit out of that corndog!

Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

WONDERFUL! Thanks for sharing this post on my blog Debby!