Sunday, December 7, 2008

The princess and the gelatinous blob

OMG they're one and the same!!

I read a blog by gemmack about menopause and she hit it right on the head. I felt a sense of sisterhood with her even though we've never met. At least I know the things I've been experiencing aren't all in my head. If you're a man, and you just had a thought there, shut it!

I used to get ready to go to a fancy function and feel lovely when finished. The key words there are 'used to'. My hair would be coiffed, I'd smell pretty, I'd look OK and I'd never give it another thought all night long. I knew I looked great to start and I'd never think of it again. I'd just have a good time. Man oh man where have those days gone?

My son is dating a fantastic woman named Jen that just had a birthday. We were invited to the party. We were going to meet her whole family which I just couldn't wait for. I just love Jen and was excited to see her too. It was a black and white themed party. I have a blouse that I've always loved that and white. It's quite becoming even though it's simple. I thought I'd get a black skirt to go with it and black stockings and wear my lovely black heels. Sorted.

We drove to Miami for the festivities. I was able to rest before the party as we got there early. I got showered and coiffed and even put make up on! I bejeweled myself and spritzed myself with smelly stuff. I donned my heels (the pair I just love as they're very cute), smoothed things down and turned to look in the full length mirror. AHHHHHH HOLY SHIT WHO IS THAT STRANGE WOMAN IN MY ROOM????? I didn't know, but I knew she was NOT the princess!!! She had a huge zit on her nose. Yes, that's right, 50 years old sporting a huge, red, pulsing zit. Her hair, though coiffed, was more grey than brown AND it was limp! She was wearing my cute shoes, but her ankles were so swollen they almost sagged over the bows! The skirt looked frumpy (did I mention it's tight?) and even the blouse didn't look nice. It used to accentuate the girls and hide the flaws elsewhere. Now it made me look pregnant and who the hell knew where the girls went for the evening! Maybe it was them down around my ankles!! She did smell good though and her jewels were awesome. Sighhhhhh I miss the princess.

I'm cranky, I have a zit, I'm retaining enough water to fuel a dehydrated camel, I've gained 10 pounds, (OK asshole so it's 20 pounds...what are you going to do about it?), I'm confrontational one minute and teary eyed the next, I want chocolate, I want potato chips, I want to start a fight just because I can, did I mention I want chocolate? Things pop out of my mouth without control. I have zero tolerance for ignorance and not one iota of patience and this can last HOW long???? I almost dare anyone to comment on things I spout. I would relish the opportunity to kick their ass. I threatened to tip one man I play cards with out of his motorized wheel chair and leave him in the ditch for dead. I meant it too.

Thank God Dennis has learned the one ammunition that works. Humor. He makes me laugh and that diffuses the situation. We saw an episode of 'Everybody Loves Raymond' years ago when Debra (coinkey dink???) was experiencing PMS. He'd brought home some pills for her. She read the label and glared at him and said 'there's nothing in here for bitchy Ray'. He said 'you probably need a prescription for bitchy'. We when I get particularly nasty and don't deserve any one's love, never mind understanding, Den will say 'you probably need a prescription for bitchy' and we laugh.

He lives another day.

Lucky bastard.

Pass the chocolate.


Katherine said...

Sigh. I can relate to this! Won't tell you how many years in case you get depressed. Except to say that I started about the same age as you and am still going and I'm coming up 54. Don't hog all the chocolate.
BUT! After I've eaten five make that ten pieces, I'm off to the GYM. (I truly am)!

Daphne said...

Such a great, well-written and hilarious post that I have to confess. I think I may have gone through the menopause and - - er - - not noticed. With me, however, it was the PMS. I just hated everything about myself then and would never even have gone to any kind of event, just hidden myself away in a kind of red mist.

Rosanna said...

In light of said post I will glady share my stash of Godiva chocolate here in the corner and don't worry the man was kicked out long ago.. I figured one in my life was one to many at times but one is enough.... So if you ever need to go into lock down you know where to do...

Mrs. Cranky Pants corner complete with Godiva Chocolate!!!

Luanne said...

Ditto at learning things you didn't know about your cousin. Thank goodness for blogs so we get to know eah other better. Vans are great except for slick roads. What a hoot about Den and the flour.

I loved this post of yours. Sorry to hear the girls are missing. But I hear Florida is a great place where certain doctors can help you find them again.

Luanne said...

Seems the princess isn't alone.

I just finished writting your comment went to log off and my aol screen popped up with the one of the headlines next to the picture reading "They want their breasts to look perky-Latest group to go under the knife." I cracked up.

Heres a link to the rest of the story.

gemmak said... you already know I so know where you are at....I have a new zit today - Oh lucky me! I'll bet you wish you had one too! ;o) word verification word is 'catorb'!

CLS said...

Well, Mary & I love ya' anyway - the best part of being friends with you is that you have always 'told it like it is!' ---- so there really isn't all that much difference!


Can I use the fact that you need "emergency chocolate" as an excuse to get Mary to buy some milk chocolate instead of that damn dark chocolate????

Debby said...

Katherine, no don't tell me. I might cry some more!

Daphne...oh I notice mine! Enough for both of us. that you've kicked the man out, I'll be there! Only a true friend shares her chocolate!

Luanne, I can't afford surgery...I'm just buying stock in duct tape! Also that link was crazy! I just can't understand it. I plan to live hard and leave a used up botox for moi!

Gemmack, noooo I don't want another zit. Finally getting rid of the 2 I have!

Clair, yessssssss on the chocolate! Here's my list. All milk chocolate of course.

Reeses peanut butter cups
Hershey's nuggets toffee & almond
Cadbury fruit & nut
Terry's chocolate oranges
Lindt truffles
Godiva milk chocolate raspberry truffles

The list is in descending order. Want Mary to have a lot to choose from you know! I can, if needed, add to it.