The princess and the gelatinous blob

OMG they're one and the same!!

I read a blog by gemmack about menopause and she hit it right on the head. I felt a sense of sisterhood with her even though we've never met. At least I know the things I've been experiencing aren't all in my head. If you're a man, and you just had a thought there, shut it!

I used to get ready to go to a fancy function and feel lovely when finished. The key words there are 'used to'. My hair would be coiffed, I'd smell pretty, I'd look OK and I'd never give it another thought all night long. I knew I looked great to start and I'd never think of it again. I'd just have a good time. Man oh man where have those days gone?

My son is dating a fantastic woman named Jen that just had a birthday. We were invited to the party. We were going to meet her whole family which I just couldn't wait for. I just love Jen and was excited to see her too. It was a black and white themed party. I have a blouse that I've always loved that is...doh....black and white. It's quite becoming even though it's simple. I thought I'd get a black skirt to go with it and black stockings and wear my lovely black heels. Sorted.

We drove to Miami for the festivities. I was able to rest before the party as we got there early. I got showered and coiffed and even put make up on! I bejeweled myself and spritzed myself with smelly stuff. I donned my heels (the pair I just love as they're very cute), smoothed things down and turned to look in the full length mirror. AHHHHHH HOLY SHIT WHO IS THAT STRANGE WOMAN IN MY ROOM????? I didn't know, but I knew she was NOT the princess!!! She had a huge zit on her nose. Yes, that's right, 50 years old sporting a huge, red, pulsing zit. Her hair, though coiffed, was more grey than brown AND it was limp! She was wearing my cute shoes, but her ankles were so swollen they almost sagged over the bows! The skirt looked frumpy (did I mention it's tight?) and even the blouse didn't look nice. It used to accentuate the girls and hide the flaws elsewhere. Now it made me look pregnant and who the hell knew where the girls went for the evening! Maybe it was them down around my ankles!! She did smell good though and her jewels were awesome. Sighhhhhh I miss the princess.

I'm cranky, I have a zit, I'm retaining enough water to fuel a dehydrated camel, I've gained 10 pounds, (OK asshole so it's 20 pounds...what are you going to do about it?), I'm confrontational one minute and teary eyed the next, I want chocolate, I want potato chips, I want to start a fight just because I can, did I mention I want chocolate? Things pop out of my mouth without control. I have zero tolerance for ignorance and not one iota of patience and this can last HOW long???? I almost dare anyone to comment on things I spout. I would relish the opportunity to kick their ass. I threatened to tip one man I play cards with out of his motorized wheel chair and leave him in the ditch for dead. I meant it too.

Thank God Dennis has learned the one ammunition that works. Humor. He makes me laugh and that diffuses the situation. We saw an episode of 'Everybody Loves Raymond' years ago when Debra (coinkey dink???) was experiencing PMS. He'd brought home some pills for her. She read the label and glared at him and said 'there's nothing in here for bitchy Ray'. He said 'you probably need a prescription for bitchy'. We laughed....now when I get particularly nasty and don't deserve any one's love, never mind understanding, Den will say 'you probably need a prescription for bitchy' and we laugh.

He lives another day.

Lucky bastard.

Pass the chocolate.