Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Pixie ponders bras

Yep, bras. If this makes you men squeamish, bugger off. I need to get this off my chest. Yes, pun intended.

I went shopping for bras yesterday. I have all old lady industrial models. I have a few shirts I can't wear as my bras don't compliment them. The bra puckers and you can see it through the fabric of the shirt. I want a pretty, lacy one. I want one that doesn't make me look like Madonna in concert. Hey, cut this old lady some slack. My thumbs and four other fingers can't bend without pain that will drop me to my knees. My shoulder won't move, my knees crunch, my ankles feel like there are sharp needles boring through the bone and don't even get me started on my hip problems. I can't see without my glasses and I'm going to need to start shopping for Depends soon! So, is a pretty, sexy, lacy bra too much to ask?

Apparently it is.

I was ever hopeful. I found 4 to try and took them into the dressing room with high expectations. I struggled out of my shirt which is no small task when your shoulder doesn't want to let you lift your arm more than 3 centimeters. I took the first pretty concoction out of the package and strapped that puppy on. Hmmmm are the boobs supposed to squish out the bottom? I didn't think so and made the necessary adjustments. Not much better to be truthful. On to door number 2. Oh this one was so very lovely. Padded even! Ah no, that one didn't work either. Nor did option three. Finally onto bra number 4. The Pièce de résistance. Pale pink, lacy, padded, pushy uppy to give the girls their best chance at looking good. This was when, even though I've been trying to quit swearing, words actually burst forth from my lips. Yep, all alone in the dressing room even. 'YOU HAVE FUCKING GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!' Ya, I'll put a quarter in the cuss bucket already.

I swear to all that is holy the straps were made of rubber bands. Who does this? What kind of maniacal mind wakes up one morning and thinks 'Oh I have nothing better to do today so I'm going to design a bra in a size 38C with straps made of gossamer!'? Hello? 38C? Need some support here? Need something to keep the girls from blacking my eye if I sneeze! Good Lord, with all the fiber I've been eating lately, if I farted with that on, it could set a reverberation going that could knock the people around me out cold! The girls would be in constant motion all day long. They're old...they need rest!

Otto Titzling & Hans Delving you should be ashamed of yourselves. You started all this!

I'm old and stubborn. I will find a gorgeous bra that will both contain the girls and be pretty. I'm on a mission now.

Get the hell out of my way.